


Terry Botter and the Philadelphia Scone

by DiverseMaterials



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, Dawn Freakin French!, Doctor Who Crossover, Gen, Humour, Metafiction, Naughty, Parody, Satire, Spoof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-29
Updated: 2012-11-29
Packaged: 2017-11-19 20:48:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/577490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiverseMaterials/pseuds/DiverseMaterials





	Terry Botter and the Philadelphia Scone

 A young Freckled girl in a school dress skipped down a train platform. She would obviously fall into the magic world via this way of course, you knew that. There would be no point in the story otherwise.

As she stopped there a woman totally dressed in black and with a veil on her head put a gloved hand on her shoulder.

"Who are you!" snapped the young girl.

The old woman scratched her head, "I am some one whose initials could very possibly have J and R in them. Normally there's a tedious introduction of your background, what a boring day at school you've had. Then I have to think of a series of events by which you find a magic portal, but I'm too lazy For that so lets just whisk you away shall I?"

With that she produced a magic wand and zapped the young girl. There was a flurry of stars and the young girl was sent screaming into the abyss.

 It was so, that she ended up in a highly mountainous region. Next to a great big castle were there were bats flying around. The sun was an orange sinking into a creamy sea of cloud. A gentle pink tinged the sky and sea. Towards the south the first night stars started to wink This being a magical world, it was very tempting to put an A instead of an I in wink and see what the reaction was. But that might be too far fetched. The girl wondered round, lost, confused, lonely and Frightened, but rapidly adjusting of course. Ah lets have a cliché, it suddenly dawned on her that she had been transported not to another part of the world but to a different dimension. Having seen no Fantasy movies of any kind she unwittingly placed herself next to an orange wall with A Face on it. The Face spoke.

"what do you think your doing!"

"Aamaaaaaslmf'

"Be you descended From a bat? I don't know that lingo."

"You.. You spoke?" She exclaimed.

'If that's meant to be a cliché It's not a good one. It's customary to have 3 dots between the two yous. How dare you be original around here! The new ruler will not be pleased."

" I, I, I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to be original."

"For goodness sakes! Your not supposed to accept the fact that I'm talking cos you're a normal school girl. You're Supposed to scream and run away in fear."

The schoolgirl started to cry and ran away as fast as her legs could carry her.

She ran into the castle rather than away from it, as there seemed nowhere else to go. In doing so she bumped into a boy wearing glasses and carrying a load of scrolls. The scrolls flew all over the place. "You clumsy little idiot" he started, before suddenly realizing. "Oh no, someone from the real world, I mean the boring world. How did you get here?"

"A mean lady zapped me here."

"Oh just a flipping prankster probably. Miss cackle won't be pleased. Anyway you'll have to fit in now, no choice, learn magic. I"m Terry Botter by the way, Pleased to meet you."

They shook hands and Terry led the girl down the corridor, up a flight of metal steps and into a room.

"Aha, what goes on in here!" asked the girl. The room was a hive of industry, lots of people in funny hats bustling around.

"Oh this is the cliché factory, it's essential For producing worn out tired phrases for our world. It's as quick as a flash." He added with a grin.

"Why do we need all this stuff!' asked the girl. The boy just gave her a look that meant, follow but don't tell anyone.

So she followed him for a long while until they approached what looked rather like a shrine. "This is the room of the author." Whispered Terry. Inside was nothing but a gigantic window set on the wall, not looking out on anything.

"What the hecks an author!" asked the girl. "Have I told you my name by the way, its Jeneen.' Terry just shook his head.

"The author is the source of the world and the people and the thought. This is the inter-phase room, that crystal represents her creative imagination."

"What crystal!"

"Lying on the table there, right in the middle."

Jeneen had to screw up her eyes and search long and hard until she saw it. It could have slipped in between her fingerprints. "So you see, we do need some help" said Terry. "You're not allowed to use original phrases, that"s what the plagiarism guardians are there For. Stone chaps, stick around in walls."

"l think I've met one," said Jeneen.

Terry then led her to a room opened up to the outside world. "Broomstick training, you can be trained to play games, but it's also used to train raiding parties that go and pinch ideas from other stories. Here come some now.'

Two witches on broomsticks touched down holding a struggling object with them. When they landed it solidiﬁed more. The witches carried it away quickly and Jeneen did not get a good glimpse, but it was a black-cloaked figure muttering something about finding the one ring. "Where are they taking it?" asked Jeneen.

"It will go to the conversion room, they will just change the name and background so it becomes part of our world,"Came the reply.

 "I would like to go and see that," said Jeneen. Terry led her on.

"You know," he said "there's an English author called Michael Legat who particularly hates the cliché I just used."

"Which one!" came the reply.

"That one," came the reply.

"Oh about the reply coming," came the reply.

"Yes that one," came the reply.

So they made their way to the conversion room, the other figure was just going in, and a finished one came out.

"Who are you?" asked Jeneen.

"I am the snow sorceress! And queen of all Banarnia!' The magniﬁcent robed woman clapped her hands and a box appeared. She offered it "Would you like some "turkey tonite".They ignored her and went to watch the conversion. The thing came out looking exactly the same. "But now we call it a dementer" said Terry.

"Do you think dey mentor do that?" asked Jeneen.

Terry gagged, "what a terrible pun, we should put that in the cliché machine."

"I want to see the games now," said Jeneen.

"Oh OK" Came the reply.

The troublesome two went in while a class was in progress. "Just pretend you're a new girl," said Terry.

"It won't work, I'll get caught and punished!"

"Why!' Asked Terry.

"Because that is what always happens in every single fairy story l read.'

"Who is talking!" demanded a voice. "You, new girl, come up here!" Sure enough Jeneen went up and received her punishment, a sound smack.

"Now get on the broomsticks the lot of you. Ten minutes practice and then a game."

Jeneen waited until the witch was up in the air before turning on Terry. "I really don't think l like this whole cliché machine thing of yours. Dame Slap from the Faraway tree. How could you?"

Terry looked at her, confused, "But that wasn't Dame Slap, that was Madam Spank From the Faraway bush. Totally different."

Jeneen gave him a hostile look and said "How the heck do you start this thing off! is there a pre-set spell or do you make up your own words?" '

Terry gasped in horror "Don"t you dare, there's a plagiarism guardian just over there. No no no you must pinch magic words from a book or film that's already done."

Jeneen thought for a while and then shouted, "Criffona cliff's crumpet leech." The broomstick ﬂew out of her hands and she found herself crying, "I wasn't ready! Why did that happen?"

"Because that's what happened in the film you took the words from, it worked second time, so don't follow the exact actions or you will fall off"

 

Once Jeneen got the hang of it she and Terry were soon soaring about on broomsticks until Madam Spank shouted.

"Right time for the game of kwid ditch."

"Not Quidditch?" remarked Jeneen sarcastically.

"Spelling makes all the difference' came the reply.

The game required certain manoeuvring skills and a certain amount of spell casting. One of the children wobbled while in the air. "Whoops" he said. Then without warning a sizzling streak of orange energy leapt from his hand and blasted somewhere into the castle. Madam Spank was down on him in a second.

"What the hell did you say just then?"

”All I said was whoops," squeaked the kid.

'You know how sensitive magic is. Whoops could have turned the spell into anything!"

She zoomed away on her broomstick to inspect the damage. Flashes suddenly started coming out of the hole in the roof and she sped back. "There is something strange going on in there, that kid there has used a much more powerful spell than he thought. I must consult the head witch."

The other children milled about looking at the flashes. Then screams sounded from the rooftops and Terry flew over to investigate. It was not a wise move. Blue lightning arced from the hole and zapped his cloak. He came scurrying back, (On a broomstick?)

"There's something moving down there that wasn't there before. And it isn't ﬁ-friendly." The kid who had started it looked really nervous. Jeneen asked, 'How can a whoopsy spell cause something as big as that!"

Terry straightened up on his broomstick, removed his glasses and assumed an air of doom tone. "This can only mean one thing."

Everyone held their breath.

"It can only mean that the whoopsy spell hit and interacted with... the Philadelphia Scone!"

A chord of music is heard, everyone lifts their hands and says "Oh no, not the Philadelphia scone!"

"Not the WHAT!" said Jeneen.

"What happened in the movie when she lifted both hands?" warned Terry.

"Huh, what, oh!" but it was too late. The broomstick spun in a semicircle and tipped her off She Fell screaming into the woods below. Terry dive bombed after her. He swooped around on the ground and then she reappeared, bruised battered and wielding a broken broom.

She Fell to the ground and mumbled "Darn, I think beds were much safer."

Terry shrugged, "Well, I tried to warn you. We haven't got beds but we must kidnap them on the next raid."

More screams and explosions were heard coming from the castle walls. Terry looked back, they were rising and echoing up to the tallest tower. In the sky, the junior flyers were still flying in circles, confused. He turned and helped Jeneen up.

"Come on I think we'd better see what's going on."

Inside all was disorder, the walls poured out smoke in clouds and bodies were strewn about. Jeneen had to ask "What is this Philadelphia scone thing anyway!"

"It is one of the most powerful artifacts in all creation," came the reply.

"Give over, what"s it Supposed to do?" came the reply.

'I"m not sure, From what I've heard it transmits heavy metal on UK Gold, or so I've heard." Came the reply.

"Why such power?" came the reply.

"Well, UK Gold is From the boring world isn't it," came the reply.

Jeneen did not have an answer to that.

They crept and sneaked around for a while before they came to a door, through which they could see a menacing shadow. Knowing that they had come across the whatever they carefully peeked round. Both jaws dropped in surprise. The Philadelphia scone must be very powerful.An enlarged pepperpot was careering around. A wand or some such had been adhered to it and it was using this to zap people. Another pepperpot joined it, but with a mop handle instead, and they careered around blasting everything that moved.

They both scarpered and dashed around the castle until they reached a room with "safe From enemies" on the door.

"What the heck was that?" asked Jeneen.

 "Something too complicated For a spell and a magical artifact to produce. There is something else behind this."

"Yeah it's the cliché Factory."

"Not that you plonker, I mean some villain is manipulating events for a Foul purpose."

"All this trouble just to lay eggs? He's mad'

"I wish someone would shoot your scriptwriter

Jeneen said absolutely nothing.

"Jeneen? Hello. Oh Flipping heck trust this to be the day my wishes come true. I wish I was somewhere else. Oh! Outside the refrigerator would be nice. Aaahh."

Terry found himself standing at the start of a gigantic bridge across an unfathomably large empty space that was in an unfathomably large cavern. In the far far distance, the substance comprising the cavern seemed to be made from gigantic blue bubbles. Behind him was a large entrance with horns. He ignored it and strode forward across the bridge. A sign on the bridge said one word.

Showdown.

Suddenly lightning fizzled from an unfathomably high roof somewhere and crashed into the floor. The lightning Formed itself into a silhouette and then dissipated as the silhouette became someone Terry knew rather well having read all the books about his alter ego, so he knew who he was supposed to be playing.

"Lord Vandal Mort, I might have known it was you."

Lord Vandal Mort was an old big nosed man. He had hair like Peter Stringfellow. He sneered at Terry, "Yes you Fool, I am executing a dastardly deed and I will not be stopped right now."

They remained there facing each other, an unseen wind billowed lord Vandal Morts cloak about him. They remained there facing each other, an unseen wind billowed lord Vandal Mort"s cloak about him.

"Rethersons disease you see," stated lord Vandal Mort "causes violent mood swings, a tendency to repeat oneself and violent mood swings. Oh boggar I just said that!"

"Why are we just standing here!" asked Terry.

"Oh I know why, it's because the authors so dry, can't even think up a decent fight scene."

"Oh well not to worry, let's pinch one From another film. Er lets see, The last Desperado?

'Star Wars"

"Oh O.K then."

So they both pulled out wands ignited the tips and flew at each other.

"Your powers are weak old man," said Lord Vandal Mort.

"Hey wait a minute, you're the old man."

"I'm not being the old man I'll get chopped up."

If I'm the Old man, I'll get chopped up. But he hadn't lost yet, "You can't win Mort if you strike me down..."

"I will become more powerful than you can Possibly imagine."

"But, but that's my line you cheat!"

"Of course I cheat, it's what villains do."

Terry thought, "Well if I can't imagine it, it doesn't happen."

Well the expression on Morts face said it all. Big booboo

"I on the other hand will become as powerful as can be imagined, so there."

Lord Vandal Mort looked contemptuously at him. With great effort he pulled a jewel out of his pocket. "Yes but this diamond detects and traps powerful as can be imagined people."

Screams echoed From all around, Terry screwed his Face up. "Wait that's not From any story I know. That means it's.......original!

'No swearing!" Yapped a face Bubbly blue and stony orange faces were materializing. This was a great emergency and plagiarism guardians were coming from all levels.

"Stay exactly were you are, our universe could rip apart, we must find and destroy the destructive source."

 

A big yellow rubber glove pointed at Lord Vandal Mort. **"It's you!"**

The guardians squeezed in and Vandal Mort screamed. He could not escape the binding energies and the life was crushed from him.

"And you boy, only three dots in imposing Sentences allowed. We'll take you to the upper levels."

Terry found himself in the wide gardens with all the other witches and pupils. Jeneen was standing near him. 'Hey it"s celebration time, I've killed the villain, with a little help from my friends."

Jeneen shook her head. Her scriptwriter was still dead.

"What do you mean! Oh yeah it's the cliché, they have to try again somehow before final defeat."

He took her to a large fruit tree. "Never mind about all that, see what I can do, I can change fruits to sweets He waved the magic wand and with a glistening and glittering the fruit turned to chocolate. He plucked one down. "Do you want to try it?"

"No no NO!" roared a voice. A large woman with a large bosom was stalking towards them. "I have told them once I have told them a hundred times." She had smooth black hair down to her neck and an unusually young Face. "Honestly I repeat myself in all these adverts and this is the treatment I receive." She reached them and plucked the chocolate fruit (which happened to be an orange) from his hand. She stuffed it in Jeneens face.

"Now for the last time," she said in an Icy voice "it's not Terry's, it's mine!" With that she stalked off

They both shrugged and wondered round. Nothing happened for quite some time, then they both noticed that the air near the trees was becoming darker. Before long a deﬁnite rippling shade had formed.

"What's happening!" hissed Jeneen. Someone had obviously filled the vacancy.

Several other people had noticed the shade, which was now shining very Faint beams from the centre and started to gather round. Terry's hair started to prickle as the faint light swirled. A faint, ever so faint wheezing and groaning sound was heard. Like a herd of elephants being strangled. It grew steadily louder cascading out into the air and the shape of a stone monolith fizzed into existence just as it seemed about to solidify there was a terrible bang and it flickered in and out of existence. Then it's appearance changed slightly and the noise was very different, more magical. Finally it completely gelled and was still. Everyone waited to see what would happen.

Then there was a grinding noise followed by terrible laughter. A black robed figure with gloves and a very high collar emerged, laughing and turned round to face them. The man was bald; he had a very stylish short beard and piercing green eyes. He was still laughing.

"Who are you!" demanded miss Cackle.

The ﬁgure whipped up an arm at her and the piercing green eyes flashed. Boring into her the voice spoke "I am the Master and YOU will obey me!" Immediately the witches started casting charms of protection.

"Stop that you fools, I'm using normal hypnotism, that won't work."

"Obviously it won"t" said a completely unaffected miss Cackle. "Wait a minute, I know you, your from a science fiction series. There's no way you can enter a fantasy world, it's completely impossible."

Jeneen spoke up "Why is it completely Impossible?"

Terry whispered, "It"s simply because they are so incompatible, they both do the same things in different ways. We've kidnapped all our other ideas from other fantasy stories, that's our only limit."

The Master heard him and strode towards them. "A limit that no longer applies my dear," he said, addressing Jeneen. "It is possible for me to enter through a simple process of conversion, a Tardis becomes an actual teleport monolith, and because I am wearing this ridiculous outfit I have become of all things a wizard!"

Miss Cackle spoke up again "Why are you here and what do you intend to do is what I want to know."

The Master stroked his beard "Quite simple, you are accused with evidence of stealing ideas and materials from other worlds. The high council of Gallifrey has ruled this too dangerous a situation to continue and I am here to enforce your arrest, in exchange for the lifting of some of my tiresome death sentences. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."

"But we haven't stolen ideas from your worlds."

The Master scoffed "Oh no, the process of conversion. Where do you think giant pepperpots ﬁring beams came from?"

Everyone exchanged glances. "Oh."

"Exactly, you will bring forth the author, and she will Face charges.”

This caused a bustle. There were various whispers of, what is he talking about. Jeneen thought she knew what he was talking about though. She strode Fearlessly up to the master, "I know just where she is, she's dithering around on a platform in the boring world."

The master grinned most evilly, "then she is easily summoned here!"

That same black covered figure appeared From somewhere among the crowds, "what do you want villain? Speak or I send you back whence you came."

"You have no power over me. I am a manifestation of the copyright enforcement agency. And For the past Few days l have been, Lord Vandal Mort."

Everybody gasped. "Yes, only l could try to introduce an original idea. that plot failed thanks to Terry. But l now have the pleasure of putting J+R here through the conversion process. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.”

"Why do you keep laughing like that!" complained Miss Cackle.

"Oh I can't help it, it"s part of my character."

"What is to become of me?' wailed J+R.

"You will be taken to Gallifrey and Serve with the time lards."

"You sure you don't mean time lords?" butted in Jeneen.

"No, l deﬁnitely meant time lards; those guys eat Far too much. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

"Could you not laugh like that any more, it's very unnerving."

J+R started to run away. The master tutted and disappeared into the monolith. J+R was sucked back into the crowd.

"You see! l have been endowed with Forces which make me invincible! You shall have to stand and Face your charges. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."

"Stop laughing like that!"

So the short trial and judgement proceeded. J+R was Found guilty of plagiarism, copyright theft with deceit and sentenced to serve the high council of GalliFrey in another existence.

"Serve them. what sort of punishment is that?" Protested Jeneen.

'Gallifrey! It's the most boring planet in the universe. So they will ﬁt together nicely. HA HA HA HA

HA HA HA HA

HA HA HA HA."

"Pleeeease stop laughing like that."

So J+R got whisked away and converted, the universe was completely destroyed and Jeneen snapped back to her own reality. Surprise surprise, no time had passed at all From when she was whisked away. She caught her train and went home.There she slowly Forgot about the experience but clichés were still operating in her world because, she lived happily ever after. Aaaaagh

THE END

 


End file.
